Mid-year Review

Gosh! I can’t believe that half a year has gone by since my last blog entry. To many of us, life-defining moments can happen within a short span of six months. Few of my friends “popped”, one of my colleagues lost his adorable 4-month old baby due to mysterious viral infection, my sister lost her 9-week old fetus (we call him/her “Sunshine”), YL’s colleague was drowned in NUS swimming pool. I wonder why the theme of birth/death kept re-emerging this year. Is there some message behind this series of events? There are profound lessons to be learnt from all these synchronities. Perhaps, it is time to complete that “circle of life” myself. Although I have kid-phobia, I am starting to understand why my friends who are mothers tend to talk incessantly about their kids. It must really be rewarding to them to witness the growth and metaphormosis of their precious little ones.

So, what have I done during these six months? I think the most rewarding part is I managed to pull through and completed two of my EdD assignments despite the hectic schedule at my working place. This is just the start of my long, arduous and perhaps lonely route as a part-time doctoral student. My classmates were saying a high proportion of PhD students sank into depression in their quest for intellectual pursuit. I hope I can persevere and see it to the end, four to five years down the road without losing my sanity!

As part of the “over-the-hill” community, the tough decision of how to prioritize my time is pressing on me. I wanted a career and title, but I am also hitting the big 35 mark! Can I have the best of three worlds? I will most likely need to disrupt some segments of my life if I am serious about family planning. Working woman really needs support and financial resources to fulfill her own aspirations and also obligatory family commitments. A conservative calculation of the amount I need to spend on my studies will come close to $35K and if I change to part-time work to start my family and complete my studies, the opportunity cost is an astronomical figure! Can woman not give up anything to raise kids? I will wallow in self-pity if I need to give up anything. This is the internal struggle I am going through for many years. Wonder how many super moms are there out there? I am not talking about those role models that are showcased on TVs and newspaper. Those people have high-flying career and tremendous financial support. I am talking about common middle income folks like us who have limited resources but have our own personal aspirations besides raising great kids. I hope someone can show me how to do that, give me some signs of hope and encouragement before I take the plunge to really start a family. I don’t think I can be a competent full time housewife or a career woman while working on my studies and taking care of kids too! Aiyoh, think this blog entry has somehow turned into a ranting and venting session, not too healthy, hehe.